Another chapter

This is my last weekday home with the kiddos before I go back to work. I'm blogging because I'm having a hard time understanding my roller coaster of feelings....

First, and most cliche and obvious, I'm feeling sad. I have thoroughly enjoyed my time home with the boys. They have both grown in amazing ways over the last 4 months. Caelan can sound out words, read, spell, and write some. His vocabulary is extraordinary and he already looks out for his brother. Donovan has grown into a huge 4 month old that is full of smiles and giggles and babbles. I struggle with the fact that I won't be around this all day everyday...and yet there is more...

I am also feeling excited. I love my job. I dream about my middle schoolers about every other night. I call them "my kids" and I love their enthusiasm and sense of humor. They also, like my biological kids, offer amazing insight into the world. I'm excited to see my coworkers and have adult interaction during the day. It's fun to share mommy stories with the teachers, but also talk about "adult stuff" as well. I have missed that.

I am feeling relieved. I feel relieved that others are sharing in the care of my kids. Others, who are more expert at caring for kids than I am. I am out of ideas on how to get Donovan to nap longer. I have exhausted my patience for three and a half year old temper tantrums. I welcome the help that comes from others in the care and development of my children...and thus comes the guilt...

I am not a super mom. Around every bend in the parenting road comes a pit stop for mommy guilt. This is not new for me. I have always struggled with guilt, but the pervasiveness of mommy guilt can be overwhelming even to those who have had the opportunity to overcome regular guilt a long time ago. Mommy guilt is stronger and meaner than regular guilt though. Mommy guilt tricks you into thinking it comes from a place of unconditional love. I have to remind myself that it doesn't. Mommy guilt comes from the need to be perfect, which is impossible. I know this, or at least a part of me does. I wish my head and my heart could get on the same page...

Now I have to go upstairs and deal with a non-napping 4 month old. I'm excited that somebody will be helping me with this soon. :)

The American Dream

So it's Sunday night and I'm sitting in the drive-thru at Wendy's. In front of me there's a minivan ordering dinner and a large SUV waiting to order. I'm sitting in my medium-sized SUV and it dawns on me, this is not what I want for my life. By "this" I am referring to Sunday dinner of the Wendy's that is situated in the parking lot of several of my favorite stores. In the past (and the future I am sure) I have loved living here for the convenience of it all, but in this moment I am cursing the lifestyle and the way it's making me feel.

I am guessing that much of these feelings have to do with my tired state and the monotony of the day. (I spent the day trying to get a newborn to sleep.) That doesn't mean, however, that I should overlook this moment. In this moment, I want to move away to Europe (maybe Italy) and live in a smaller town with a simpler life. I've been watching a lot of House Hunters International lately while up in the middle of the night, so I'm not surprised by the place that my mind is taking me.

Thoughts are one thing, but reality is another. No doubt I can take this moment and learn a lesson from it. I don't necessarily need to move our family to Italy to be happy. The feelings that I'm having and the changes that I need could probably come from tweaking my daily life. Now I just need to figure out what that means to me...

Rebirth of a blog

I had my second son, Donovan, about eight weeks ago. Since then, I have thought about this blog everyday. Having a newborn throws your life, however balanced you thought it was, into complete disarray. The movement between serenity (sleeping baby on your chest and 1st son napping) and complete chaos (screaming, hungry 2nd son and the sound of glass shattering and an "uh oh" from the 1st) keeps your mind in a state of reflective exhaustion. Or, maybe it's just the lack of sleep...

I've had several moments in the last eight weeks that remind me that I am in a balancing act. Actually, I spend most of my time trying to walk the tightrope that is mom of two, wife of one, and carer of self. There are, however, certain moments and events that stand out for their humor and definitive character.



1st son is swimming in the backyard pool while 2nd son is napping (notice the monitor at my feet). I am watching son #1 (so he doesn't drown of course), but must do so inside because I am pumping breast milk for son #2. With that said, here is to the rebirth of my blog about trying to balance it all...