The carrot list

Before I got pregnant with my first, I was overweight, but in good shape and eating healthily. I then gained 85 lbs. throughout my pregnancy. After having baby #1, I only lost about 40 of those 85 lbs. I didn't want pictures taken of me and I hid behind the camera, which was easy to do because I am a photographer by hobby. When I got pregnant with baby #2 (three years after the first), I vowed not to gain much weight. This ended up being easy to do because I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes. I gained 20 lbs. and quickly took it off the month following my little guy's arrival into the world.

Since then, I've lost another 20-30 lbs. I say, 20-30 because I keep losing 10 and gaining it back. While I feel a little better about myself than I did the three years after my first, I am ready to get the rest of this weight off of me. I don't even know where my final goal lies, but have some small goals that I've set for myself. I'm not ready to talk actual numbers (read: how fat I actually am), but hopefully I will get the nerve to talk about that in the future. I don't even know who will read this, but we'll just pretend it's the whole world and sharing your weight with the whole world is scary.

I will, however, share my carrot list. I've wanted to do this for a while now, but you know how things go. (As a busy mom, I get shoved down to the bottom of my own to do list.) My carrot list is a list of reasons for wanting to get healthy (and lose weight). I have BIG reasons and little reasons, but I wanted to keep track of all of them. I thought if I wrote them all down in one place and really took the time to think about them ("meditate" on them might be a better word) then I might have the strength to really change a deeper part of myself and get through the tough parts of this journey. So here are some of the carrots on my carrot list:

1) Wear my wedding rings again
2) Shop in any store that I want to
3) Do another triathlon
4) Be a strong mama
5) Have the desire to be in pictures with my family and friends
6) Look in the mirror and be proud
7) Be up for most physical challenges that might come up (hiking, biking, etc.)
8) Show my kids what a strong and healthy mom looks like
9) Be a hot wife
10) Have some serious muscles
11) Avoid diabetes for as long as possible (if not, always)
12) Keep my "bad knees" as healthy as possible
13) Make cheap clothes look good

I'm sure there are more and I will discover them as I continue on this journey. Wish me luck!

New use for an old blog...

I feel really sad that this blog has been so neglected. I intended to use this to document the difficulty of being a mom, counselor, and wife. Since I am all those things, it's easy to understand how this blog became so neglected. Balancing it all is not easy and now I have two kids! I often feel a pull to this blog when I'm feeling reflective. I will think, 'I really should write down my thoughts on mothering/working/working out.' The thought, however, never turns to action because it's not a priority.

With that said, I am hoping to use this space again. For the moment, I'd like to document my journey of health at the very least. I did about 9 weeks of a 12 week Body for Life challenge in the last couple of months. I lost about 10 lbs. in those 9 weeks. Adding that to the 10 lbs. that I had lost previously, I'm officially 20 lbs. lighter than I have been for the last 4 years. That's not bad! I no longer dread getting my picture taken.

I am moving on to lose more weight. Tomorrow I am starting the challenge again. Matt is starting with me and it is great to have his support. I have several goals for the next 12 weeks, which include:

1) Lose 30 lbs. of fat
2) Gain a ton of more energy
3) Lose 12 inches from different parts of my body
4) Not be pre-diabetic when I get my labs done in a month
5) Go down 2 pants sizes

These are lofty goals, I know. I HAVE to dream big though! Here we go...

Another chapter

This is my last weekday home with the kiddos before I go back to work. I'm blogging because I'm having a hard time understanding my roller coaster of feelings....

First, and most cliche and obvious, I'm feeling sad. I have thoroughly enjoyed my time home with the boys. They have both grown in amazing ways over the last 4 months. Caelan can sound out words, read, spell, and write some. His vocabulary is extraordinary and he already looks out for his brother. Donovan has grown into a huge 4 month old that is full of smiles and giggles and babbles. I struggle with the fact that I won't be around this all day everyday...and yet there is more...

I am also feeling excited. I love my job. I dream about my middle schoolers about every other night. I call them "my kids" and I love their enthusiasm and sense of humor. They also, like my biological kids, offer amazing insight into the world. I'm excited to see my coworkers and have adult interaction during the day. It's fun to share mommy stories with the teachers, but also talk about "adult stuff" as well. I have missed that.

I am feeling relieved. I feel relieved that others are sharing in the care of my kids. Others, who are more expert at caring for kids than I am. I am out of ideas on how to get Donovan to nap longer. I have exhausted my patience for three and a half year old temper tantrums. I welcome the help that comes from others in the care and development of my children...and thus comes the guilt...

I am not a super mom. Around every bend in the parenting road comes a pit stop for mommy guilt. This is not new for me. I have always struggled with guilt, but the pervasiveness of mommy guilt can be overwhelming even to those who have had the opportunity to overcome regular guilt a long time ago. Mommy guilt is stronger and meaner than regular guilt though. Mommy guilt tricks you into thinking it comes from a place of unconditional love. I have to remind myself that it doesn't. Mommy guilt comes from the need to be perfect, which is impossible. I know this, or at least a part of me does. I wish my head and my heart could get on the same page...

Now I have to go upstairs and deal with a non-napping 4 month old. I'm excited that somebody will be helping me with this soon. :)

The American Dream

So it's Sunday night and I'm sitting in the drive-thru at Wendy's. In front of me there's a minivan ordering dinner and a large SUV waiting to order. I'm sitting in my medium-sized SUV and it dawns on me, this is not what I want for my life. By "this" I am referring to Sunday dinner of the Wendy's that is situated in the parking lot of several of my favorite stores. In the past (and the future I am sure) I have loved living here for the convenience of it all, but in this moment I am cursing the lifestyle and the way it's making me feel.

I am guessing that much of these feelings have to do with my tired state and the monotony of the day. (I spent the day trying to get a newborn to sleep.) That doesn't mean, however, that I should overlook this moment. In this moment, I want to move away to Europe (maybe Italy) and live in a smaller town with a simpler life. I've been watching a lot of House Hunters International lately while up in the middle of the night, so I'm not surprised by the place that my mind is taking me.

Thoughts are one thing, but reality is another. No doubt I can take this moment and learn a lesson from it. I don't necessarily need to move our family to Italy to be happy. The feelings that I'm having and the changes that I need could probably come from tweaking my daily life. Now I just need to figure out what that means to me...

Rebirth of a blog

I had my second son, Donovan, about eight weeks ago. Since then, I have thought about this blog everyday. Having a newborn throws your life, however balanced you thought it was, into complete disarray. The movement between serenity (sleeping baby on your chest and 1st son napping) and complete chaos (screaming, hungry 2nd son and the sound of glass shattering and an "uh oh" from the 1st) keeps your mind in a state of reflective exhaustion. Or, maybe it's just the lack of sleep...

I've had several moments in the last eight weeks that remind me that I am in a balancing act. Actually, I spend most of my time trying to walk the tightrope that is mom of two, wife of one, and carer of self. There are, however, certain moments and events that stand out for their humor and definitive character.



1st son is swimming in the backyard pool while 2nd son is napping (notice the monitor at my feet). I am watching son #1 (so he doesn't drown of course), but must do so inside because I am pumping breast milk for son #2. With that said, here is to the rebirth of my blog about trying to balance it all...

Birthdays are for Moms too!

I now understand that celebrating a birthday of a child is as much for the mom as it is the kid. As I think back to a year ago, I shudder. I was home with a 1.5 week old, struggling with a post-pregnancy, post-surgery body and a lack of knowledge that no amount of research could help me out of. I pride myself in being knowledgeable and well-read. Hell, I research the crap out of every endeavor that I take on. Motherhood, I've learned, is not something that you figure out through "research". It is a hands-on, call it on the fly, "holy crap, did I just say that?" journey. Yes, a lot of it is instinctual, but a lot of it isn't. I still remember that moment in college when I realized that my parents didn't know everything. I had a growing awareness of their humanity and lack of knowledge as I smugly fought through my teenage years, however, the moment I realized that they just "did the best they could" I was thrown. Suddenly the world seemed a lot scarier to me. Sometimes I think that if Caelan knew that a lot of my decisions are just "best guesses" he'd crawl away to another family or decide to move in with his grandparents. Little does he know, however, that we are all just as clueless as the next person. I may not be the best mom in the world, but I think that I'm the best mom for him. Mothering is as much about using your brain as it is about using your heart. In thinking about this and all the other lessons I've learned in the past year, I finally understand why my mom always recounts my birthday. Not only is she celebrating my life, but also celebrating the journey that she has gone through in her role as a mom. It's with this recognition that I remember Caelan's birthday a year ago and the whirlwind of emotions (and physical pain) that surrounded that time. What a crazy, exciting, life changing year!

Saturday mornings...

I love them! My husband and I will often take turns waking up with the baby on the weekend and today is my day to have gotten up with him. Before being a mom (and being forced to wake up early on the weekends) I never really appreciated the mornings like I do now. If you ask my family, college roommates, or anybody else who has ever had to wake me up before, I don't do well coming out of a sleep state. In high school the alarm would start screaming at me at 5:30 in the morning since both my brother and I shared a bathroom and the school start time was ridiculously early (or so I thought at the time). My parents would often ask me, up to five times, if I was awake and, though I don't remember this, apparently I answered them with a yes and with whole conversations thrown in while I was still sleeping. I have not changed my ideas regarding early mornings for teenagers. Working with teenagers now, I recognize that they are like toddlers in their need for sleep, but I'm totally digressing. My point is that I've never been one to hop out of bed willingly.

Even now, if my baby boy needs me, it's more of a slow crawl from under the covers with blind, sleep hazed moping to his bedroom with the 50% chance of running into a wall or door on the way. While I still shudder at the thought of the cold air outside the cocoon of my cozy sheets, I now know what fulfilling things morning has to offer.

Morning is such a peaceful and hope-filled time of the day. After Caelan has eaten, he and I spend some time cuddling and playing before he is ready to go down for his morning nap. At this point, the house is quiet with my men sleeping, and I have a moment to reflect, dream, and be grateful. Moments can do so much for us if we let them. I am learning to let them. Since, if you think about it, all we have in life is a string of moments. They can blow right by us if we let them, and I often do, but I am working on it. I am learning to love moments and all they have to offer. Saturday morning moments are some of my favorites.